Understanding
The Way of Things begins with the
premise that all experiences are equally balanced, as in: you don't find
protons without electrons. There can’t be a positive without an equal and
opposite negative to balance it off. Whenever we experience an overwhelmingly
painful event, there is always an equal amount of opportunity associated with
it for growth, but only if we have the mind to find it. Then we need to seize
the opportunity.
I
have not yet found a case where this wasn't true.
Recognizing
the lesson, gift or opportunity in the tragedy will neutralize the pain of the experience.
This is especially true when one is a survivor of childhood trauma, abuse and
abandonment or after the loss of a relationship whether by death, divorce or
decision[1]. For me personally this lesson was brought
home when my first wife passed. It was 1976
and I was 29 and she was 26. She took her life... The pain was death defying
... my sense of future was non-existent ... but over time it passed and the
opportunity for growth simply lay there before me. It took some time to notice
it. But it was there. And today I am still on that path, traveling that journey
that began for me in November 1976.
Some
people choose, albeit subconsciously, to stay in their grief and pain because
they find benefits there. It is a vain attempt for Needs Fulfilment. There are pay offs like: attention, support, freedom from responsibility, and a recognition by
and from others of just how deeply life’s incidents hurt them or how much they
have lost or how much the deceased person loved them. Helping an individual
see what they may really want or what they are trying to get from holding onto their
grief and pain can help them do it more responsibly without doing further damage
to themselves.
There
are also two great quotes I use in my grief work:
·
"To take the
pain out of death, you'd have to take the love out of life."-- Richard
Paul Evans
·
"Don't cry
because it's over; smile because it happened."-- Dr. Seuss
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